I. Want. To. Be. A. Loser.
Yeah, I admit it. I wanna be a loser. Now I know some people would say: Dude, you’ve so got that taken care of. Because yes, I bump into things and drop things and I’m just *so* clumsy. I subscribe to Mental Floss magazine and check the website everyday. I enjoy reading the newspaper. I’ve evolved into a trivia geek and I’m a self-described aspiring history buff. I write. I read. I teach. I’ve watched Titanic at least a hundred times…
YES. To some, I Am A Loser. . .
But that’s not the kind of loser I’m talking about. This weekend I want to be an Oscar Loser. As in: I was nominated for best supporting actress but was totally overshadowed by some over-rated over-paid Hollywood starlet . . . which now makes me: A Loser.
And I want to be a loser because of two simple words: Swag Bag.
Apparently (and I’m not up to date on the whole Oscar stuff because, face it, I haven’t been to a movie theater in almost two years), but apparently if you’re an Oscar loser you get a bunch of cool stuff.
Cool stuff like:
A trip to a California spa/resort
A $2500 diamond-encrusted dog charm
A trip to the Caribbean
A $20,000 watch
A total of $40,000 worth of goodies. Wow. Unfortunately, if you wanna take that trip to the Caribbean you have to pay for your own airfare.
So, if I found out this Sunday that yes, it’s official: I’m a loser, here’s what I’d do:
Immediately head to the California resort for my spa treatments. Come home. Sell the dog charm. Pack up the family and head to the Caribbean (airfare cash comes from the dog charm, because really, a dog who sometimes eats its own poop does NOT deserve a diamond charm on its collar). When that’s said and done: come home, sell the watch, put a down payment on an SUV and . . . go shopping.
(Sigh.) Being a loser never seemed so wonderful. And if the losers get all that great stuff, how amazing is it to actually be a Winner?
I know. And I should go into the whole “she just got paid ten million bucks to star in that movie why does she need a freakin’ watch when she can buy Rodeo Drive?” rant but I’m not. It’s true . . . but I’m not.
For now I’ll just settle on being a loser, the best way I know how, which means finishing that game of Trivial Pursuit DH and I have on hold because for the first time ever…
I’m actually winning.
P.S. Thanks for all the great comments about gardening and my black thumb! It must be a writer thing, and now I don’t feel so bad.